Collection of Quotes

• A rolling stone gathers no moss, but it acquires a certain polish
• To err is human, to get caught is stupid
• No i never do anything which I cannot talk after dinner
• Is there life after birth
• Lending money does not lead to enmity - Only trying to get it back does
• A friend in need is no friend of mine
• They call it take home salary because we can go nowhere else with it.
• Thank God the sun has gone down and I don't have to go out and enjoy it
• If i owned Texas and Hell, Id rent out Texas and live in hell because they say Hell is a place very much like London.
• In the continent they have food - but in England they have the best table manners
• They tire themselves in pursuit of rest
• It is better to have loved and lost - It is cheaper in the long run.
• Better to have loved and lost than never have lost at all.
• Far better to have loved and lost than to be buying shoes for eight kids.
• To ensure good education and discipline for the children pull three wires - T.V, telephone and ignition
• Two is company 3 is poor family planning
• See no evil and speak no evil - and half the women's clubs would fold up in a week.
• After all eve ate the apple that she may dress up, and what can be expected from the woman who was raised by such a mother.
• The worst disaster for a man is a mother-in-law with a twin sister.
• Plural or whim - Whimmen
• Drinks have destroyed my constitution long ago. I am now living under the by laws
• The poor married man ; The company tells him what to do, The union tells him what not to do, and back home his wife tells him what he had better do.
• "home sweet home" was perhaps coined by a bachelor.
• The mirror only tells the facts and not poetry.
• Here is a test to see if your mission on this planet is complete - If you are alive it isn't.
• The only nice thing about being imperfect is the joy it brings to others.
• There is so much smog in the big cities that they have begun putting street lights in Braille.
• Notice seen at a Doctor's waiting room - Patients suffering from amnesia must pay in advance
• They say a single oyster lays a million eggs or two. Can you just imagine what a married one might do - Agnes Thomas
• A man is known by the company he floats
• Beggars cannot be boozers
• Beer is almost thicker than water
• All is fair in love and war that follows it
• Charity begins a home.
• Truth is sometimes stranger than fiction but not as popular
• Was communism invented by a politician or a scientist? A politician. I thought so. A scientist would have tried it on mice first.
• You know its going to be a bad day when your twin brother forgets your birthday.
• The main purpose of children's parties is to remind you that there are children more awful than you.
• Even critics love a book on levitation - even they cannot put it down.
• Put this notice on the clock i want everyone to see it - Boss to secretary.
• There are three ways to be born. Rich, Clever or lucky. Take lucky it makes up for the other two.
• When you are successful don't think that you can sit back and enjoy it . No one will let you.
• If Pro and Con are opposites is progress the opposite of Congress?
• How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same while a wise man and a wise guy are the opposites?
• How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell the other?
• Where there is a will there is a wont.
• Ninety nine percent of failures come from people who have the habit of making excuses
• Laughter can be heard further than weeping
• Never sacrifice honour to gain honours
• Companies invariably wait for the farewell dinner to tell the man what a fantastic man he is - Ever notice?
• To be clever enough to get all that money, one must be stupid enough to want it.
• Equality is a futile pursuit - equality of opportunity is a noble one.
• The nice thing about raising a garden is that you can raise the vegetables your children wont eat instead of buying them.
• Half of the books printed are not sold, half the ones sold aren't read, half the ones read aren't understood and half the ones understood and understood the wrong way.
• It is named Golf as all other four lettered words have been taken.
• Statistics show that many of the accident that happen in the home takes place in the kitchen unfortunately most of them land on the dining table.
• About the only thing that comes to us without effort is Old age.
• A grandmother is a mother who has a second chance.
• Give me the benefit of your conviction if you have any. But keep your doubts to yourselves for I have enough of my own.
• Politics isn't too bad a profession. If you succeed there are many rewards. If you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.
• Praise is like champagne, it should be served when it is still bubbling
• There is one thing worse than being alone, its wishing you were.
• Best marriage greetings - Go slow children ahead.
• Anyone who says he can see through a woman is missing a lot.
• It is a great misery not to have enough wit to speak well nor enough judgement to keep quiet.
• The trouble with

Being punctual is that there is nobody there to appreciate it.
Raising children is that your foot is still on the wheel after they are behind the steering wheel
Ignorance is that it picks up confidence as it goes along
The straight and the narrow path is that it runs through such a desolate territory
Experience is that it teaches you something you really didn't want to know.
Making intelligent suggestions is that you are apt to be appointed to carry them out

• Survival of the fittest - was not the reason for the peacock. The peacock exists because God has a sense of beauty and the Hippopotamus because God has a sense of humour.
• Before you criticize your child take a look at your own report card.
• You can judge you age by the amount of pain you feel when you come in contact with a new idea.
• Everyone wants a bus service to their door but no one wants a bus route on their street.
• Man - I feel 10 years younger after i shave every morning. Wife - Did you ever think of shaving before coming to bed at night?
• The day will happen whether or not you get up
• He was so conceited it was beneath his dignity to talk to himself.
• There was a gap between what went into his mind and what come out of his mouth.
• The easiest way

To keep a secret is without help
To find a use for something is to throw it out
To hold an audience is briefly

• "How are you?' Dead, otherwise fine
• Men have a better time than women For one they marry later and for another they die earlier
• If the camel hadn't knelt it couldn't have been loaded.
• The trick is in growing up without growing old.
• The freedom of any society varies proportionately with the volume of its laughter.
• All students are gifted some just open their packages earlier than the others.
• People who drink to drive their sorrows should be told that sorrow knows how to swim.
• Good habits are as easy to form as the bad ones.
• There is no such thing as a non working mother.
• Money is a good servant and a bad master
• Love quickens all senses except the common.
• A dentist married a manicurist and they taught tooth and nail.
• A shepherd takes care of the sheep why doesn't a coward take care of cows.
• A man snatches his first kiss, pleads for the second, demands the third, takes the fourth accepts the fifth and endures the rest.
• What fishermen and hypochondriacs have in common - They don't have to catch anything to be happy.
• Difference between
• Knowledge and Faith

Mrs Hunt says she has three children - thats knowledge
Mr. Hunt says she has three children - thats faith.

• Australian wedding and an Australian Funeral

An Australian funeral has one less drunk

• Professional and an Amateur

Professional - A man who can do his job when he doesn't feel like it
Amateur - A man who can't do his job when he does feel like it

• Education and experience

Education - what you get when you read the fine print
Experience - What you get when you don't.

• Recession and depression

Recession - when you neighbor looses his job
Depression - When you loose your own.

• Marriage is like a hot bath, once you're in it its not so hot.
• Sixty is a good old age for a man. If she says 'yes' he's flattered. If she says 'No' hes relieved.
• It is always the best policy to speak the truth, unless of course you are an exceptionally good liar.
• To be noble is good, but to teach others to be good is nobler - and less trouble.
• Mistrust first impulses, they are always good.
• A man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on.
• The brain is a wonderful organ it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.
• To err is human but to really foul things up needs a computer.
• To love oneself id the beginning of a life long romance.
• He who falls in love with himself will have no rivals.
• There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about that is not being talked about.
• Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago.
• I am not young enough to know everything.
• The young are always ready to give to those who are older than themselves the benefit of their inexperience.
• The things that impress me most about America is the way parents obey their children.
• The good die young - because they see it's no use living if you've got to be good.
• Youth is a wonderful thing what a crime to waste it on children.
• Setting a good example for your children takes all the fun out of middle age.
• Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternative.
• It is not that I am afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
• Life is a funny thing that happened to me on the way to the grave.
• Success is a matter of luck - Ask any failure.
• If you know the value of money go and try to borrow some.
• A successful man is the one who can make more money than his wide can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
• Any one who gets to a psychiatrist should get his head examined.
• Anyone who hates children and dogs cant be all bad.
• Its not the men in your life that counts. Its the life in your men.
• When you take stuff from one writer its plagiarism, when you take it from many writers its research.
• He was a self made man who owed his lack of success to nobody.
• The trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
• By all means marry - if you get a good wife you will be happy. If you get a bad one you will be a philosopher.
• Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
• To enjoy a good reputation give publicly and steal privately.
• I have noticed that nothing i have never said ever did me any harm
• I have never got into trouble for anything i did not say.
• Too bad all the people when know how to run the country are busy cutting hair or driving taxis.
• Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder
• A sharp tongue is the only edged tool that grows sharper with constant use.
• He has occasional flashes of silence that makes his conversation perfectly delightful.
• Congratulations, we all knew you had it in you - Dorothy parker, when a friend gave birth.
• Of course if one had enough money to go to America one wouldn't go.
• The youth of America is their oldest tradition. It has been going on now for 300 years
• Sex unlike justice should not be seen to be done.
• Womans virtue is mans greatest invention
• The only thing I regret about my past is the length of it. If i had to live my life again I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
• Its the good girls who keep diaries. the bad girls just don't have the time.
• Keep a diary and one day it will keep you.
• Difference between sex and death is that death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
• A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
• A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty and a boy forever.
• When you see what some girls marry, you realize how much they must hate to work for a living.
• When you are bored with yourself, get married and be bored with someone else.
• It is more blessed to give than to receive - example - wedding presents.
• The most popular labour saving device today is still a willing wife.
• Marriage has many pains but celibacy has no pleasures.
• Keep you eyes wide open before marriage and half shut afterwards.
• A girl must marry for love and keep on marrying until she finds it.
• Married state is like a pair of shears. So joined they cannot be separated; often moving in opposite directions yet always punishing anyone who comes between them.
• Brigands demand your money or your life. Women demand both.
• Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near
• The chain of matrimony is too heavy that it takes two to carry it sometimes three.
• When a girl marries she exchanges the attention of many for the inattention of one.
• Widows are classified into two classes - the bereaved and the relieved.
• That woman can speak eighteen languages and she cant say "NO" in any of them.
• Woman" You are drunk" Winston Churchill " Madam, you are ugly. Tomorrow morning however I shall be Sober"
• He has the gift of compressing the largest amount of words to the smallest amount of thought.
• He is a self made man and worships his creator.
• In America there is the freedom of speech and the freedom of conscience and the prudence never to practice either of them.
• He has a difficulty for every solution.
• In defeat unbeatable in victory unbearable.
• The only original about some men is original sin.
• Nowadays most women grow old gracefully; most men disgracefully.
• The ten commandments don't tell you what you ought to do, but only puts ideas into your head.
• Critics are like eunuchs in a harem they know how it is done, they've seen it done everyday but they are unable to do it themselves.
• Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand
• When a man is willing and eager. Gods join in.
• Extra calories we consume quickly become a fat accompli
• Two great talkers will not travel far together.
• People who gossip usually end up in their mouth traps.
• When we put our best foot forward, the other one had better be good enough to stand on.
• Better put off till tomorrow what you shouldn't do at all.
• The real head of the household is the one who has custody of the televisions remote conrol.
• The greatest aid to adult education is children.
• Flatter me and I may not believe you. Criticize me and I may not like you. Ignore me and i may not forgive you. Encourage me and I may not forget you.
• Calculation never made a hero.
• People who live in glass houses shouldn't do much of anything.
• Habit if not resisted soon becomes a necessity.
• The fewer the facts the stronger the opinion.
• In golf the proof is in the putting.
• Never pay a compliment as if you expected a receipt.
• Nothing can spoil a class reunion like running into the guy who married your girl has all his hair and got rich from the internet.
• The person who agrees to all that you say either isn't paying attention or else plans to sell you something.
• Watching you diet is easier than following it.
• Anybody who can still do at 60 what he was doing at 20 wasn't doing much at 20.
• Tolerance is based on courtesy, respect and the suspicion that the other fellow may be right.
• Most people admire a good loser - as long as he is someone else.
• People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have figured if you have enough money you can have a key made.
• If Noah had been truly wise he would have swatted those two flies.
• Democracy is based upon the conviction that there are extraordinary possibilities in ordinary people.
• Infatuation like the common cold must run its course.
• If God had really intended men to fly, he'd have made it easier to get to the airport.
• Dont tell me how hard you work. tell me how much you get done.
• Marriage is the only union that cannot be organized. Both sides think they are the management.
• The more the name of the product offers the less it delivers.
• Nothing gives the used car more mileage than the salesman.
• If you do not want the children hear what you are saying, pretend you are talking to them.
• The great comfort in turning 49 is the realization that you are now too old to die young.
• The surest sign that you are having a crisis at work is when no one tries to tell you how to do your job.
• The smallest hole will eventually empty the largest container unless it is made intentionally for drainage, in which case it will clog.
• When there is only one lawyer in town the lawyer cant make a living. When there are two lawyers in town, both make a good living.
• If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
• Any country with democratic in the title isn't.
• The only people worth talking to in a bureaucracy are the ones who never deal with people.
• Ever have the feeling that in life when you are holding all the cards, everyone is playing chess?
• She is so aggravating she'd give aspirin a headache.
• He's so mean that he'd toss a drowning man both ends of the rope.
• He thought he was a wit and he was half right.
• How come financial advisers never seem to be as wealthy as they can make you?.
• If swimming is good for the figure why do whales look the way they do?
• Without heroes we are all plain people and don't know how far we can go.
• When you cant solve a problem manage it.
• The greatest tragedies of history occur not when right confronts wrong, but when two rights confront each other.
• If all else fails immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.
• Statistics are no substitute for judgement.
• What do butterflies get in their stomach when they are nervous.
• Is a wedding ceremony unsuccessful if it comes off without a hitch?
• Why are nervous minded people so thick headed?
• Some people eat their gardens as dirt.
• I wouldn't go to Mars if it were the last place on earth.
• With proper sleep diet and care a healthy body will last a lifetime.
• When your outgo exceeds your income, your upkeep becomes your downfall.
• Talent is as talent does.
• The quickest way to get back to your feet is to get down on your knees.
• Don't meet trouble half-way. let it travel the full distance. Something usually happens to it before it arrives.
• Always tell your problems o people who don't like you. They are the one who want to hear them.
• Some tortures are physical and some are mental, but the one that's both is sure dental.
• Public money is like holy water, everyone helps himself to it.

" costly thy habit as
Thy purse can buy
But not expresss'd fancy,
rich not gaudy.
For the apparel off
proclaim the man" - William Shakespeare

• Little minds discuss people, mediocre minds discuss things, and great minds discuss ideas.
• Every man has a right to be wrong in his opinion. But no man has a right to be wrong in his facts.
• Hold fast to your dreams. for if dream dies, life is a broken winged-bird that cannot fly.
• When you see a good man, think of emulating him; when you see a bad man, examine your own heart.
• A cage is a cage even if its bars are gold.
• I am lonely. Adam told God in the Garden of Eden. "I need to have someone around for company". "Okay" replied God. "I'm going to give you the perfect woman - Beautiful intelligent and gracious - She'll cook and clean for you and never say a cross word." " Sounds good", Adam said " But wheats she going to cost?" "An arm and a leg". "That's too much." countered Adam " what can i get for just a rib.?"
• Nothing is impossible for a man who doesn't have to do it himself.
• The surest way to make a red light turn green is to try to find something in the glove compartment.
• Her words popped like corn over the heat of her imagination.
• To keep friends always give your candied opinion.
• What a wonderful surprise to understand something you had learnt only by memory.
• It is better to be a lion or a day than a sheep all your life.
• One man cannot hold another man down in the ditch without remaining down in the ditch with him.
• In the race for quality there is no finish line.
• The truly skillful politician is one who when he comes to a fork in the road goes both ways.
• There was a time when the artist had to suffer - now it is the viewer.
• Truth can be bitter or sweet, but it can never be bad. A lie can be sweet or bitter, but it can never be good.
• Cleanliness, honesty, decency,respect for other people, politeness, good manners, integrity - they will never be old fashioned.
• If at first you doubt, doubt again.
• There is this difference between happiness and wisdom. He who thinks himself the happiest, really is so but he who thinks himself the wisest is generally the greatest fool.
• Take your work seriously but yourself lightly.
• Minutes of meetings always take hours.
• Families run smoother when there is teen work.
• Managing profits is like playing tennis with your eye on the score board and not on the ball.
• Never fear shadows. They simply mean theres light shinning somewhere nearby.
• We cough to clear our thoughts, we sigh to clear our hearts.
• What upsets me is not that you lied to me, but that from now on I can no longer believe you.
• Love is blind marriage is an eye opener.
• Even a small star shines in the darkness.
• Faults are thick where love is thin.
• If the world is getting smaller why do airline tickets cost more and more.
• God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
• If you have anything to tell me of importance , for God's sake begin at the end.
• In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds of divorce. The trick is to find and continue to find, grounds for marriage.
• Fair play is not blaming others for anything that is wrong with us.
• Take calculated risks, that is quite different from being rash.
• Nothing seems to bring on an emergency as quickly as money aside in case of one.
• Its not what a teenager knows that worries his parents. Its how he found out.
• The average time between throwing something away and needing it badly is about 2 weeks.
• Promises are like babies, easy to make but tough to deliver.
• Ever notice that blunt people make the most pointed remarks.
• Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.
• The persons hardest to convince they're at retirement age are children at their bed time.
• Praise is warming and desirable.But it is an earned thing. It has to be deserved, like a hug from a child.
• When a woman surrenders it is because she's won.
• Bad news goes about in books, good news in stockinged feet.
• Speech is like the color of a flower, and silence like its fragrance.
• People are like musical instruments that resonate according to who touches them.
• Every year it takes less time to fly across the ocean, and longer for me to drive to work.
• Boarding the plane these days is a frisky business.
• The trouble with aviation is that there are no distant relatives.
• If you can spend a perfectly useless afternoon in a perfectly useless manner, you have learned how to live.
• The perfect solution isn't always the best answer.
• Remember the time when women who nothing to wear stayed home.
• If a man makes a mistake, people say"what a foolish man. If a woman makes a mistake they say " Women are so foolish."
• Impatience can be a virtue if you practiced it yourself.
• When all think alike no one thinks very much.
• There is a time to take counsel for your fear and there is a time to never listen to any fear.
• Those who make the worst use of their time are the first to complain of its shortness.
• If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we'd all be millionaires.
• Boss to office staff -" Did everyone enjoy my vacation".
• Perseverance is not a long race. it's many short races one after the other.
• The best things you can give to your children, next to good habits, are good memories.
• If you do not aim at anything you'll never hit anything.
• Man is inept at two things - doing something that he fears and doing something that he is not interested in.
• If a person does not enjoy good fortune when he has it, then he should not complain when it's gone.
• God made a few perfect heads, the rest he had to cover in hair.
• Angels can fly because hey take themselves so lightly.
• Ideals are like stars. We never reach them, but like the mariners on the sea, we chart our own course by them.
• Its all right to hold a conversation, but you should let go of it now and then.
• The greatest right in the world is the right to be wrong.
• World is moved not only by the mighty shoves of the heroes but also by the tiny pushes of each honest worker.
• The nicest thing about feeling happy is that, you think you will never feel unhappy again
• Freedom is nothing else but a chance to be better.
• Do not underestimate a child to overestimate a grown up.
• The most exhausting thing in life is being insincere.
• If you would thoroughly know anything, teach it to others.
• I used to watch Golf on television and then my doctor said I need more exercise, so now I watch Tennis.
• Some people so treasure truth that they use it with great economy.
• There are times when forgetting can be just as important as remembering - and even more difficult.
• There are times when silence has the loudest voice.
• To be upset over what you don't have is to waste what you do have.
• We don't know what we are until we see what we can do.
• In prosperity our friends know us. In adversity we know our friends.
• To exercise is humour, not to is divine.
• Life is like a cobweb, not an organization chart.
• A budget is a plan for going broke methodically.
• There are two kinds of lyrics these days - Those you cant understand and those you wish you couldn't.
• When during a meeting a man says nothing while everyone else talks, you don't hear anyone but him.

In a perfect world...

• Your raise would always be more than you expected.
• Neither chocolates nor alchoholic drinks would contain calories.
• Procrastination would be viewed as a virtue.
• Teenagers would rather work on the lawn than talk on the phone.
• What the cat dragged in would be $100 notes.

• Her mind was like a spoiled child's bed; soft comfortable and constantly being made up by someone else.
• The most manifest sign of wisdom is continued cheerfulness.
• People generally quarrel because they cannot argue.
• Live so that your friends can defend you but never have to.
• You're never a loser till you quit trying.
• Pride is tasteless, odorless and size less, yet it is the hardest thing to swallow.
• The only way to make a man trustworthy is to trust him.
• Luck never gives it only lends.
• Putting your best foot forward at least keeps it out of your mouth.
• Trust in God and do something.
• The trouble with retirement is that you cant leave your problems at office.
• Why is that children seem to grow up so fast and leave home so slowly.
• The elevator to success runs so seldom, its best to take the stairs.
• Where can you always find a helping hand - At the end of your elbow.
• When I was in school i was my teachers pet, she couldn't afford a dog.
• Presence is more than just being there.
• A human beings first responsibility is to shake hands with himself.
• Pride makes some men ridiculous but prevents others from becoming so.
• The ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree but to hold hands.
• A bad situation that drifts away always gets worse.
• Don't aim for success if you want it; just do what you love and believe in, and it will come naturally.
• A successful politician is someone who can stand on a fence and make people believe its a platform.
• All politicians are like a bunch of bananas - they are all yellow, they all cling together and there is not a straight one among them.
• Crime must pay or so many politicians wouldn't be seeking reelection.
• Middle age is when you wish you could have some of the naps you refused to take as a kid.
• He who never doubts doesn't know anything, and he who always doubts never learn anything.
• Mind your own business before pleasure.
• There is nothing like a dream to create a future. - Victor Hugo
• It is the nature of knowledge that it changes fast and that today's certainties always become tomorrow's absurdities-Peter F Drucker
• A business man is known by the company he raids.
• More things are wrought by braying than by praying.
• Motivation is centered on the assumption that man lives by carrot alone.
• Those who celebrate prematurely are most likely to be disappointed eventually.
• As long as you dutifully attend office, you are dubbed useless, when you are on sick leave you become indispensable.
• The communication gap in a company is directly proportional to the number of telephone connection the company has.
• To avoid rubbing people on the wrong side, try rubbing the people on all sides.
• Wear your learning like your wristwatch, you will have to show it always to others merely to make them aware that you have one.
• Boss' errors are subordinates' trials.
• Experience is a comb: you get when you are bald.
• The more proficient one is at procrastination, the less proficient one need be at all else.
• If you consult enough experts you can confirm any opinion.
• If all you have is a hammer everything looks like a nail.
• The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.
• By the time you get hold of relevant information, it loses it's relevance.
• People not directly connected with a problem seem to always have an instant solution.
• Luck favours the guy who has hard working subordinates.
• You are wanted the most at the office the day you are on leave.
• A buck in hand is worth more than two in the books.
• A successful reformer will soon become redundant.
• It is morally wrong to let suckers keep their money.
• It always takes longer to get there than to get back.
• Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter, since nobody listens.
• A secretary has to be a willing worker - willing in her earlier years and working in her later years.
• Bosses oscillate between two categories - mentors and tormentors.
• All that glitters is not sold.
• You CAN fool all the people all the time, if you ad budget is big enough.
• What I am looking for is a blessing that is not in disguise.
• Work keeps us from three evils - boredom, vice and need.
• Care filled with joy preaches without preaching.
• The bridges you cross before you come to them are over rivers that aren't there.
• You cannot build a reputation on what you are going to do.
• Whenever things sound easy it turns out there's one part that you didn't hear.
• There are more to life than increasing its speed.