A collection of funny and interesting quotes


Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Some whacky quotes

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour.
Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute.
THAT'S relativity. - Albert Einstein

The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get
up in the morning and does not stop until you meet a beautiful girl .
- Uzair Sait

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate
it. - Franklin P. Jones

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win
or lose. - Darrin Weinberg

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is
in trouble again.

Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers.

It is not exactly cheating, I prefer to consider it creative problem solving.

Whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't know where to shop.

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.

Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Forgive your enemies but remember their names.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the
stupidity of your action.


Tuesday, April 18, 2006


During a period of upheaval at the company where
I worked, a number of office relocations were
occurring. Having assisted with various
moves, I considered myself quite the expert. So
when I saw two colleagues struggling to carry a
heavy desk up a flight of stairs, I went
over and advised them that the desk would be
much lighter if they removed the drawers. They
duly took out the drawers. Then they
balanced them on top of the desk and continued up the stairs.

- Deborah Hitchin

My sister-in-law, a teacher, was pulled over
for failing to come to a complete stop. The
officer wrote out a ticket and handed it to her
with some advice: "Drive safe."
"Safely," she replied.
"What?" the officer asked.
"You've corrected my driving," she explained.
"Allow me to correct your grammar."

- Therese Jelinski

After his marriage broke up, my manager became
very philosophical. "I guess it was in our stars," he sighed.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"Her astrological sign is the one for earth. Mine is the one for water.
Together we made mud."

- Lori Phillips

Clearly I was not going to win the battle of
bulge on my own so I decided to join a gym.
"Before you start working out, we like to do a
health assessment," explained the gym
representative. "When you come in, wear loose fitting clothing."
"If I had loose-fitting clothing, we wouldn't be having this conversation."

-Kelly Blackwell

Zilah, my favourite aunt, is 74 and, as she
herself puts it, she's completely "together."
However, I went to her house the other day and
she appeared to be worried. After much
insistence, she confessed, "Darling, I think I'm
getting old. Yesterday I went to the movies and
rode a cab home."
"And what's wrong with that?"
I inquired. "I completely forgot I'd driven my own car there!"

- José Cláudio Garcia

As I passed the receptionist at our local
senior centre, I noticed that she was rummaging
through the lost-and-found box with one hand
while holding the telephone in the other. "I'm
sorry," she eventually told the caller.
"They're not here. If they turn up, we'll call you at once."
"What were you looking for?" a colleague asked.
"He wanted to know if anyone had turned in his teeth," she replied.
"He needs them for lunch."

- Elsie Morris

News that her third child was going to be a
girl thrilled my cousin, who already had two
boys. "My husband wants to call her Sunny,"
she told me, "and I want to give her Anna as
her middle name in memory of my mum." I thought
they might want to reconsider their
decision, since their birth announcement would
herald the arrival of Sunny Anna Rainey.

- Carolyn Wallis

Our nine-year-old niece slept on the couch in
our computer room during a recent visit.
"Is Uncle Jim an idiot?" she asked her mother the next morning.
"Why would you ask that?" her mother replied.
"He has all these books: Idiot's Guide to Windows,
Idiot's Guide to PowerPoint..."

- James Salt

My 11-year-old brother was making chocolate
chip cookies for the first time when he asked my
mother, "Why do I have to leave the room?"
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"Come and look at the recipe," he said. "It
says right here, 'Leave room for spreading.'"

- Scott DeGieo

The plan: to build a garden walkway made up of
dozens of wooden squares. I decided I'd slice
railway ties into five-centimetre thick
pieces for the sections. That's what I told the
clerk at the lumber yard. "You got a power saw?" he asked.
"No," I said. "Can't I just use my hand saw?"
He nodded slowly. "You could. But I just have
one question. How old do you want to be when you finish?"

- Judy Myers

Don't ever pay a surprise visit to a child in
college. You might be the one getting the
surprise. I learned this the hard way when I swung
by my son's campus during a business trip.
Locating what I thought was the building he lived
in, I rang the doorbell. "Yeah?" a voice called
from inside. "Does Dylan Housman live here?"
"Yup," the voice answered. "Leave him on the
front porch. We'll drag him in later."

- Jericho Housman


Monday, February 20, 2006

Quotations about Mothers

A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie.  ~Tenneva Jordan

Being a full-time mother is one of the highest salaried jobs in my field, since the payment is pure love.  ~Mildred B. Vermont

A suburban mother's role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after.  ~Peter De Vries

The phrase "working mother" is redundant.  ~Jane Sellman

The moment a child is born, the mother is also born.  She never existed before.  The woman existed, but the mother, never.  A mother is something absolutely new.  ~Rajneesh

If the whole world were put into one scale, and my mother in the other, the whole world would kick the beam.  ~Lord Langdale (Henry Bickersteth)

I remember my mother's prayers and they have always followed me.  They have clung to me all my life.  ~Abraham Lincoln

Some mothers are kissing mothers and some are scolding mothers, but it is love just the same, and most mothers kiss and scold together.  ~Pearl S. Buck

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.  ~Author Unknown

Sweater, n.:  garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.  ~Ambrose Bierce

Women's Liberation is just a lot of foolishness.  It's the men who are discriminated against.  They can't bear children.  And no one's likely to do anything about that.  ~Golda Meir

The real religion of the world comes from women much more than from men - from mothers most of all, who carry the key of our souls in their bosoms.  ~Oliver Wendell Holmes

The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness.  ~Honoré de Balzac

All women become like their mothers.  That is their tragedy.  No man does.  That's his.  ~Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest, 1895

He is a poor son whose sonship does not make him desire to serve all men's mothers.  ~Harry Emerson Fosdick

Thou art thy mother's glass, and she in thee
Calls back the lovely April of her prime.
~William Shakespeare

An ounce of mother is worth a pound of clergy.  ~Spanish Proverb

She never quite leaves her children at home, even when she doesn't take them along.  ~Margaret Culkin Banning

When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts.  A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child.  ~Sophia Loren, Women and Beauty

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?  ~Milton Berle

Motherhood is priced
Of God, at price no man may dare
To lessen or misunderstand.
~Helen Hunt Jackson

Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own.  ~Aristotle

Women are aristocrats, and it is always the mother who makes us feel that we belong to the better sort.  ~John Lancaster Spalding


Sunday, January 22, 2006

Some more good quotes

1. Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.
2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.
3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right
and the other is the husband!
4. They said we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but
they wanted cash.
5. Your child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've
purchased new school uniforms.
6. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
7. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you
cannot live without... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
8. You can't buy love . . but you pay heavily for it.
9. True friends stab you in the front.
10. Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.
11. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
12. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
13. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and
she agrees with me.
14. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
15. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
16. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he
still ends up with the same boss.
17. They call our language the mother tongue because the father
seldom gets to speak.
18. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done
it for you.
19. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk
because they have to say something.
20. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books


Friday, December 30, 2005


A nickel will get you on the subway, but garlic will get you a seat."
New York Yiddish Proverb

Once a woman has forgiven a man, she must not reheat his sins for
breakfast. - Marlene Dietrich

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make
sense. - Tom Clancy

"The only reason why we ask other people how their weekend was is so
we can tell them about our own weekend."~Chuck Palahniuk

"Consequences, shmonsequences! So long as I'm rich!"~Daffy Duck

"Booze, broads, and bullshit. If you got all that, what else do you
need?"~Harry Caray

"Nice set of hooters you got there!...The owls! They're
beautiful!"~Harry Dunne (Jeff Daniels in Dumb and Dumber)

"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the
bad girls live"~George Carlin

"If music be the food of love, play on; give me excess of it, that,
surfeiting, the appetite may sicken and so die."~William Shakespeare


Thursday, December 22, 2005

It now costs more to amuse a child that it cost to educate his father
  • The only one who listens to both sides of the argument is the woman in the next flat.
  • The popular girl is the one who has been weighed in the balance and found wanton.
  • If you want to get a youthful figure, ask a woman her age.
  • Our unabashed dictionary defines both bigamy and marriage as having one wife too many.
  • Getting married is like going to the restaurant with friend. You order what you want then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had taken that.
  • A woman with a past attracts men who hope that history will repeat itself.
  • Passionate picnickers should bear in mind that some girls are like flowers - they grow wild in woods.
  • Making love to a woman too many times is like scratching a place that doesn't itch anymore.
  • Some girls marry older men for their money and spend the rest of their life for a little change.
  • Money cant buy you love but it can put you in a strong bargaining position.
  • Generations of great thinkers have dreamed of a money less society somewhere in the future. As far as my family is concerned we are far ahead of our time.
  • There are far more important things in life than money. The trouble is they all cost money.
  • Even books on how to be happy without money cost more than i can afford.
  • When it comes to giving some people stop at nothing.
  • Doctors tell you if you eat slowly you eat less. Anybody raised in a large family will also tell you the same.
  • If you need a heart transplant wait for a heart of a banker - it hasn't been used much.
  • A girl with a rich father does not need a beauty parlour.
  • The coating of civilization is so thin it often comes off with a little alchohol..
  • People are generally like tea bags - they do not know their strength until they get into hot water.
  • Nowadays many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
  • The mink in the closet is sometimes responsible for the wolf at the door.
  • Medically speaking, the difference between an itch and am allergy is about two hundred rupees.
  • How wise are the commandments; Oh lord! Each one of them applies to some body or other I know.
  • The husbands of the ten best dressed women are never on the list of the ten best dressed men.
  • It is true that nothing is certain but death and taxes. Sometimes, I wish they came in that order.
  • It is better to have loved and lost than to have loved and won.
  • Marriage is like a box of chocolates, you will have to buy the whole box to get one little piece.
  • Beauty is more dangerous than wine, it intoxicates the holder and the beholder.
  • Saddam Hussein also challenged President Bush to a debate - The butcher of Baghdad vs the butcher of the English language.
  • All men make mistakes but married men find out about them sooner.


Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Generally speaking - women are.

  • Frustration is the first time you discover you cannot do it a second time  and Panic is the second time you discover that you cannot do it the first time.
  • When wine, women and singing become too much for you, give up singing.
  • Almost pitiable as the fellow who tried and found wanting is the guy who wanted and was found trying.
  • A man whose credit rating is so bad that even his money is not accepted.
  • Girls who do not repulse men's advances, advances men's pulses.
  • All it really takes to separate men from boys is girls.
  • Men who can read women like a book usually like to read in bed.
  • If a girl expects to win a man, she has to exhibit a generous nature or how generous nature has been to her.
  • Sometimes a girl can attract a man by his mind, but more often she ca attract him by what she doesnt mind.
  • Its hard to keep a good girl down - but lots of fun trying.
  • A girl should use what mother nature gave her before father time took it away.
  • In every girl who has the curves there are a dozen men who have the angles.
  • Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
  • Next to a beautiful girl sleep is the most wonderful thing in the world.
  • It is easy to lie with a straight face but nicer to lie with a curved body.
  • Girls who think they will hate themselves in the morning should sleep till noon.
  • Women without principles draw a lot of interest.
  • It is a great life if you weaken enough to enjoy it.
  • Some men do not give women a second thought. The first one covers everything.
  • When a struggling stenographer quits struggling, she often discovers that she doesn't have to be a stenographer.
  • Newly weds go on honeymoon for 6 days only - seventh day makes the hole weak.
  • Man and mouse are both prey for pussy.
  • I would be content with my lot if I had a lot.
  • Poverty is a wonderful thing, it sticks with you even after all you friends have forsaken you.
  • It is about as hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom heaven as for a poor man to stay alive on earth.
  • I found no respect for youth when I was young. And now that I am old there is no respect for old age. I missed it coming and going.
  • By the time your son is old enough not to be ashamed of you, his son is already ashamed of him.
  • The trouble with being a good sport is that you have to loose to prove that.
  • Being a career lady is much harder than being a career man. You have to look like a lady, act like a man and work like a dog.
  • By the time you learn to make most of your life, most of it's gone.
  • The more I think of life, the less I think of it.
  • Freedom of speech is guaranteed not freedom after speech.
  • I have read so much about the terrible effects of drinking that I have decided to give up reading.
  • A definite parallel exists between whiskey and women's breasts. One is not enough and three are two many.
  • Sometimes when two is company three is the result.
  • A fool and his money are soon popular.
  • A man is incomplete till hes married - then he's finished.
  • All girls are born good - experience makes them better.
  • Man, that's what I call real business. You got it, you sell it and you still got it.
  • Women who are not interested in clothes probably are not interesting in clothes.
  • If the girls wear their skirts any more shorter, they will have two more cheeks to powder and one more hair to comb.
  • If common sense could prevent many divorces, it could prevent just as many marriages also.
  • Some girls are like cigarettes; they come in packs, get lit, make you puff, go out unexpectedly, leave a bad taste in the mouth and still they satisfy.
  • Louis 16th was really unlucky - he was the first man to wear high heels to look taller. But the french chopped off his head and made him look shorter.
  • These days too many young beautiful women are spoiling their attractiveness by using four letter words like don't, won't, and can't.
  • An executive friend of ours is so dedicated to his work that he keeps his secretary near his bed in case he gets a good idea in the night.
  • Friendship and tea are good when they are hot strong and not too sweet.
  • You'll have trouble pushing yourself by patting yourself on your back.
        I wish I were
        The diamond ring
        On Sridevi's hand
        So every time
        She wiped her ass
        I'd see
        The promised land.
  •  A penis isn't 12 inches long coz then it would be a foot.
  • The question of nuclear warfare is not what is right, but who is left.
  • There are so many versions of the Bible. but people all over the world sin in the same old ways.
  • Crime will not pay if we allow the government to run it.
  • The government does not really care how you get the money so long as you report it honestly.
  • Even if the majority agrees on an idiotic idea, it still is an idiotic idea.
  • Bachelors know more about women. That's why they are still bachelors.
  • He's not very amusing, he couldn't even entertain a doubt.
  • Oh God when you gave woman a mouth, you went and ruined a pretty good job.
  • People are lost in thought possibly because they are in unknown territory.
  • Rarely is a question asked are our children learning?
  • A man's got to do what he's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.
  • Where there's a will there is a way. Where there is no will there is a survey.
  • It is not economical to go to bed early to save electricity if the result is twins.
  • If it weren't for marriage men would spend their lives thinking they had no faults at all.
  • Support Bacteria- that's the only culture some people have.
  • Honolulu - its got everything sand for the children, sun for the wife and sharks for the mother in law.
  • All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
  • If you happen to die in an elevator, ensure that you press the up button.
  • Age is a matter of the mind. If you don't mind it doesn't matter - Robert Frost.
         Information is not knowledge
        Knowledge is not wisdom
        Wisdom is not truth
        Truth is not beauty
        Beauty is not love.
  • Common sense is seeing things as they are and doing what needs to be done.
  • Courage is not absence of fear but how you overcome it.
  • Its in the garden of patience that strength grows fast.
  • Anytime you don't want anything, you get it.
  • A husband who says his wife cannot take a joke forgets that she took him in the first place.
  • Don't talk unless you can improve the silence.
  • Before marriage a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage the "y" becomes silent.
  • Love is the dawn of life, marriage is the sunset of love.
  • I don't mind dying, the trouble is you feel so stiff the next day.
  • Natives who beat the drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.
  • Critics are to authors what dogs are to lamp posts.
  • Once you have put down one of his books, you simply can't pick it up again.
  • Somewhere on the globe, every ten seconds there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
  • Time is a good teacher, unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
  • Only in America can a pizza get to you faster than an ambulance.
  • The problem with a "discount sale" is that buying at such a sale also costs money.
  • Marriage is bliss, Ignorance is bliss. Therefore marriage is ignorance.
  • The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.
  • Women have cleaner minds than men because they change it quite often.
  • There are two things in life for which we never really prepare - Twins
  • My mothers menu's consisted of two choices - take it or leave it.
  • Thanks for sending me a copy of your new book. I shall waste no time reading it.
  • The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she knows the average man can see much better than he can think.
  • I grew up with 6 brothers and that's how i learned to dance waiting at the bathroom door.
  • Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.
  • Marriage is not a word - it's a sentence.
  • Golf is like a love affair. If you don't take it seriously its no fun. If you do take it seriously it breaks your heart.
  • The biggest difficulty with mankind today is that our knowledge has increased so much faster than our wisdom.
  • Adam was the only man who when he said a good thing knew that nobody had said it before him - Mark twain.
  • The reasonable man adapts himself to the world, the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man - George Bernard Shaw.
  • If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, Go ahead, Get married.
  • All children are artists. The problem is how to remain an artist once they grow up.
  • The most pathetic person in the world is someone who has sight but has no vision.
  • If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God almighty?.
  • In three words I can sum up everything I learned about life - it goes on. - Robert Frost.
  • The difference in playing the stock market and the horses is that one of the horses must win.
  • Inflation is like sin. Every government denounces it and every government practices it.
  • Why is divorce so expensive - because it is worth it.

        God has not promised
        Skies always blue
        Flower strewn paths
        All our life through
        God has not promised
        Sun without rain
        Joy without sorrow
        Peace without pain - Abdul Kalam Azad.
  • Opinions are like feet. Everyone has a couple, and they usually stink.
        I asked God for strength, that I might achieve,
                 I was made weak, That i might learn humbly to obey.
        I asked for health, that I might do greater things
                 I was given infirmity, that I might do better things.
        I asked for riches, that I might be happy
                 I was given poverty, that I might be wise.
        I asked for power, that might have the praise of men
                 I was given weakness, that i might feel the need of God.
        I asked for all things that I might enjoy life
                 I was given life, that I might enjoy all things.
        I got nothing I asked for, but I had everything i hoped for
                 I am among men, most richly blessed.
                                                                       - Anonymous